Blog 43 – serious rant 1

Blog 43 – serious rant 1

You all know TW, not a serious thought in his head, just a quirky sense of humour which leads to all sorts of fantastical places – everything from open water swimming to vinyl records to James Bond.

But this place I’m headed for is a mine field which I have no doubt will cause certain friends to look twice and others to not look at all. These following extracts are as usual all based on personal experience, and although all my other blogs are the same, this one is a for richer or poorer, out of opinion and self-creditability, hopefully to make the “angels “ as they present themselves think not on their current situation but the life-times before, from the point he said “will you” to when she said “I do”. From this day forward until death do us part”

What a fantastically enormous pledge, vow or promise, call it what you like, to make to one person, remembering that new romance is an idyllic phase in courtship, whereby each of the couple get to know (hopefully accurately) their future spouse. Those of us married once, twice, thrice and more, will always look upon this phase of the “till death do us part” programme can be by far the most enjoyable, having no pressures, no major worries, just the all-pervading urge to become one. Doesn’t that sound old fashioned, but true none the less. Once planned and completed the two who became one now have to live up to the reality of their marriage vows.

Simple, just keep doing what you did before, men go to work, women go to work but under the strain of creating a family. Everyone (nearly everyone) wants a family, it’s the most natural thing on the planet, even before the vows are given it is explained that the couple are to indulge in “procreation”, a blessing from the church to have some fun, but with the rider that you will continue the addition to the species as penance. But hey ho let’s do it anyway.

The result of all this indulgence creates the family module (these modules come in various sizes,) there is no limit prescribed or requested numbers but the responsibility for these “off-spring” lies with our couples’ new titles “Mum and Dad”.    This is where life gets devolved, segments each of which each are fully available to either of the parents (another title gained with the issuing of “off-spring”) but certain segments seem to apply to either one or the other parent. In the majority “Mum” is the person responsible for the care and up-bringing of the off-spring. This is a major task, which requires patience and understanding, two traits that seem to be missing in most dads. But fear not Dads, your role is just as important to the process. You are the “hunter – gatherer” of your newly created tribe, which entails being absent from the family pod, working in the environment that creates the necessary means to sustain the ever-growing pod. What a double-edged sword this is – one side you are praised for the effort you put in away from the pod to make the environment within the pod as stress free as possible. However, with the addition of off-spring and the erratic way they behave, demanding love and attention in enormous quantities, adds extra pressure to Dad to improve the environment to make up for the yet more demands on his abilities in providing comfort to his “comfort and joy” home. Mum works in a different way, Her’s is a constant giving of all her personal resources, all her love and attention, her input into making the home environment as comfortable as possible for herself and off-spring while Dad is away, and for the whole family unit when Dad gets home.  With all this going on Dad is in the background wondering where his role lies, with Mum handling the off-springs emotional needs as well as her own, Dad starts to be alienated in the home with so much to absorb about the off-spring, the cost of groceries, the upkeep of the home, the need to take a break and explore the world becomes one more of those things that Dad has to go out to work for, to provide income, which Mum tend to control, to put enough by for the pod to take a holiday- a pleasant time of family unity in a different (maybe unnatural) surrounding with strangers, all sharing similar sized pods. The stress levels become exaggerated with the needless urge for one of the parents to prove superiority over the neighbouring pod“, and so it goes on with what would appear to be an endless repetition of all the tasks required of parenthood for the years until the off-spring spring off into their own adventures.

But what of the parents, from the day when the vows to each other were sincerely given and taken in true heart and love, the idyl in which they were given has disappeared. The love shared equally between two now has to be stretch to three, four and sometimes more, a scenario which women are more than able to cope with because each one of the off-spring as a major part of her world, created in love with her husband, and nurtured in the most part by her. Husband has some input into the raising of his children but sees his role as bread winner not nursemaid.  To husband is to gather and distribute, which in some instances works well. However the male of the species has a different set of hormones, which in most men has the side effect of shying away from what could be called “female tasks”.  This creates a resistance to the alpha male to any form of female endeavour.

The husband who “can’t cook”. He lets is spouse do all the food preparation, cooking and serving. Clearing the plates is children’s work, but (in the absence of a dishwasher) the husband will wash-up.  This desire to wash the dishes has no other motive than (it was shown in experiments years ago) to give the husband “the most powerful job in the process and giving him a certain amount of rank in the hierarchy (in other words by washing up the male feels a sense of power.)   They can’t cook attitude is another power symbol, whereby the male asserts his role as hunter/provider of the food, which to his mind is the prime task and that what follows is beneath him but is fitting and proper for the female.

Another area where the “dominant male” feels threatened is in the family home. As he thinks (short-sightedly) that having done his bit as Hunter/provider making his habitat comfortable and attractive is a responsibility that his wife should embrace. This attitude stretches to the world outside the home, the garden. The excuse that “she knows colours better than me” is another cop-out for taking equal shares in the partnership of marriage.

I have been married twice, the first was not as successful as my second ( first – 14 years,   second – 34years ) but I feel that I learnt enough from that to make my second a slice of heaven.

My wife and I – both for the second time – made our vows to which we kept throughout our time together.

I have known the pleasure of going shopping for the food, which I helped prepare and cook, as well as lay and clear table. My wife and I shared the decorating of our home with equal input in  colour, style and ambiance of that to each room. My wife and I both worked in the garden equally, even to the extent whereby one time between us, we shifted around four tons of soil in order to lay a paved area for the garden furniture.  My wife and I chose holidays together except for one amusing incident (ask me).  My wife and I ran a business together, meaning we shared company 24/7 and enjoyed every minute.  My wife’s hobby was flower arranging which when joining a local club, she eventually became chair of both the club and area committees. Gues who was there as odd-job man and support?

I’m happy and proud to say that I supported my wife in all that I could and our lives were enriched because of our time together. The children always said we weren’t a couple because we acted as one, what one didn’t do the other did.

My moment of huge pride was when she said in front of family and friends that I was as wonderful husband – praise indeed.

To my great sorrow my wife passed away 10 months ago, I was holding her hand as she passed, which was the most devastating and saddest moment I’ve ever experienced, and still to this day cannot believe it was her and not me.

Since then, as everyone who has a similar experience will tell you the loss and void in your life is huge and endless. There isn’t a day when I don’t talk to her, while waiting for her to walk through the door, to hear her snoring while in bed, to feel her looking over my shoulder guiding me.

After all we went through there comes a point when you have to move on.

The major thing left me by my wife was the ability to do.

Do what? The answer is to do anything.  All our seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years together gave us both a full life packed with everyday shared experiences, and the ability to be alive and independent. To function as well as we could be expected to. The shared gift of happiness and of knowing that our joined life gave joined knowledge which despite the gigantic loss we could function and make the most of our lives without looking for praise at learning that some roses are red and if you follow instructions, you could turn on the cooker.

Men who appear helpless at the loss of spouse only declare that they never took the time to learn from their spouses that you become a full and more rounded character and person from being part of each other instead of being apart from each other.  So don’t expect everyone to smile and clap hands because you can go to the supermarket and buy frozen food, don’t expect praise for painting a door or hanging a strip of wall paper,

Instead admit to the fact that you never had a full and all-encompassing relationship and that when you were out with the lads, your time would have been better spent with the one you promised to “LOVE AND TO CHERISH”