Footpath Rage

Here I am trying to get back into the saddle after a lean spell. Sometimes life can be so tedious that apathy sets in and you know what I can’t be bothered explaining the whys and wherefores of apathy.  If you don’t know now, then don’t worry about it. But for the ill or un educated amongst you out there (and I know there isn’t many,) a  brief description to illustrate the extremes of behaviour that are classed as apathy by the adults amongst us.

For the kids – sorry – for the younger generation it seems to encompass a multitude of areas, I probably don’t have the time to tell you about it what with everything else I do, so I won’t bother (a bit of parent apathy crept in there.) Kids are afflicted with sulky apathy following remarks regarding dress (you’re not going out dressed like that young ?person?) sulk, kick the cat, stomp off to room.

For the adults (I was going to say more mature, but then I thought ‘dodgy ground’) – it’s that little job at home, you know ‘the lock on the bathroom door needs looking at!’  ‘ Yes I know dear, it’s on my (ever increasing) list of things to do. Besides which I need that special tool to help repair it, I used to have one in my toolbox. I’ll have a look for it in a minute when I’ve drunk this tea.  

Years ago when the kids were young and didn’t understand that certain tools are made for certain jobs, they clubbed together and bought me one of the most versatile tools I’ve ever owned – wait for it- A Round Tuit.  This most precious of tools comes in three forms – on paper, on cardboard or on plastic.  The plastic version is usually presented to the most diligent apathetic DIYer, and indicates a somewhat large backlog of tasks which need attention.

The card version is a step down from the plastic, indication a lesser number of jobs, but still enough to prompt you that you’re not quite the idle so and so you could have been but it needs doing.

The paper version is an impromptu reminder of a small but important task that requires men’s toys – sorry I meant men’s tools, which in turn need finding from somewhere in the tip/pit man cave (shed – but you know that) at the bottom of the garden.  After what seems like hours of searching, to no avail, the parent reports back to spouse and family, ‘I’ll get right on that job, but I have to go to the DIY store for the spare part to that special tool I spoke about!’  Looks varying from disbelief all the way through to tightening of the mouth, disappearance of the lips and taping of the foot – right then left. Miserable lot, don’t they know I’ve got a lot on my plate’.  Aloud ‘don’t look at me like that! I’LL GET AROUND TUIT’.   Response ‘Card, Paper or Plastic?

For senior citizenry apathy is an affliction of the young, in other words everybody else.  It comes from the discovery that your nice lithe, supple and muscular frame (I never had one, so I don’t know) is about to let you down.  How do I know that this state of deterioration is setting in?  Everybody else has told me in their not-so-subtle manner – parent to child ‘get out of that chair – let your grandad/grandma sit down.  So how do you respond in round one of this battle between old bull and young bull? Easy, you play the generation game. ‘Thanks son, could you get me a cushion for my back, and a cup of tea would be nice. Have you got any of those biscuits?’ ‘Not the crappy – sorry – plain ones, you know! the ones with cream in, or the one’s covered in chocolate.’  Why do I feel a tennis match coming on? ‘When I was young you couldn’t get biscuits with cream in’ ‘don’t tell lies dad, there have been custard creams since biscuits were invented!’  ‘No son, you’re thinking of those Frenchie type ones, with the sludgy brown colour, you know Boursin’

‘Dad, you mean bourbon which are a chocolate colour with chocolate cream filling. Boursin is a sophisticated French cheese’ – thinks “here he comes – hook, line and sinker! I wonder if he’ll play the game when he’s my age’.

I’ve learnt that if you can play the old doddery gentle person, then floor them with a tremendous amount of hard earned and won knowledge, the younger generation will always look up to you, the adults will always tolerate you and the senior citizens will always understand and play the game.

So, at the end of all that, it must be obvious that I never spoke about ‘footpath rage’ and to rid myself of this apathetic mood, I must get cracking, get either a paper or card or plastic “around tuit” and start tomorrow.