Autumn or fall – 1 name fits all

Sometimes real life takes over and our own special realities, the important things in life have to take a backseat.

Take now, the year is moving on(do not say the C word yet, please wait until November before we panic) and all the things we enjoyed in the summer like gardening, are all behind us in distant memories of sunshine, fun and summer horticultural tasks (you know what I mean, mowing lawns and picking up debris and leaves) have all been exchanged for what we enjoy in the latter part of the year, like seasonal horticultural tasks ( you know what I mean like etc. etc. etc.……) and much more serious issues.

Have you ever stopped to consider the annual pandemic which seizes gardeners every year, and I mean ‘every’ year? No! you mean you haven’t noted June Drop (no not the neighbour) occurring to your fruit trees?  When the poor unsuspecting gardeners (have to refer to these heroes as the GB (gardening brigade)) are assaulted with tasks in enemy self preservation above and beyond the call of duty.

The vigilant amongst you both professional, and would be professionals, cannot deny the June drop begins the assault  with the increasing attempts by the enemy to cover your nicely trim borders and beds with what can only be described as kamikaze warriors. These well disguised opponents land in your beautifully maintained pre-said borders and beds in an attempt to lull you into a sense of false security, arriving in small numbers, each looking slightly different in texture and colour and dressed like leaves!

‘Leaves?’ you ask. Yes leaves! These are the bane of every member of the GB who wish to retain the well cultivated and respectably presented regions of own ‘green and pleasant land‘ in the green hue of the much loved member of society, the Tree.

You are bright people that have undoubtedly been told by others that there are two sorts of trees that matter, the evergreens and the deciduous.  In order avoid confusion (joke right – sardonic tone) the evergreens are the first group comprising of the victorious regiments who have defeated the enemy and have retained their natural assets, colour and longevity. But our thoughts must turn to the other group, the deciduthem (this name is now an outdated, out of use title as there had always been the misunderstanding between the ‘us’ and ‘them’. (small attempt at word play)). The enemy in order to add further confusion took on the ‘us’ and got rid of ’them’. Still with me? Well done if you are   ---  tough if not, join the rest of us.!?!?

So as the year gets older and the level of confrontation slowly increases with the flowers and shrubs taking their toll of casualties, it always appears that GB are in control, which to a certain degree they are but unknown to the fair and trusty battlers the enemy are taking over. In untold numbers and by supreme control from their leaders, the leaves over a period of two to three months are swopped for the well-trained fighters who are masters in the ancient art of camouflage. 

As an interesting sidenote a number of countries throughout the world have already been overthrown and occupied by the enemy. In their vanity, although sworn to secrecy, the invaders mark their victories with emblems denoted on the national flag of the country. One of the oldest victories is Canada – emblem?  Another is Lebanon – emblem? There are many more.

In order to protect their identities and infiltrate every strata of our varying cultures, the enemy have adopted SAS tactics in the ‘hearts and minds’ section of training manual and have create the illusion that they are a ‘thing of beauty’ whereas this ‘t o b’ is the precursor to the full assault. ‘How do I recognise it?’.  Simple. As the rotation of seasons progresses the enemy change their colouring to suite the human fascination for hue and form.  The enemy leaves change hue from deep greens -a strong colour, distinctive and the house colour for Lister in my old school (I hope you don’t pay for this rubbish although written in truth. I could give you the rest but hey! we’re into serious business) into warming colours, pale yellows, almost whites, oranges (Grandad, what rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t.) and the most spectacular reds.  These appear mainly in countries occupied over many years, primarily the one with a leaf on it’s flag, as a form of propaganda to attract the unwary subliminally, making them believe that ‘red is good’ whereas the world in remainder consider red as a colour representing danger.

Over a seemingly long period whereas it is only a few weeks, the enemy change of colour becomes a montage of ‘warm and cosy’ colourings attracting helpless GB members to travel hundred of miles in some cases to actually drive around the country in question looking at the army in preparation, building for attack. The campaign is going to plan, the GB joined by small numbers of HS(guess and let me know) still mesmerised by the transformation are rapidly being seduced by the changing camouflage -oops! Sorry! For the cam word read – colours.

At first, the elite troops using as yet skills unknown to the GB countries, initially co-erse the wind into assisting them to carry the assault to strategic locations in order to ‘persuade’ the GB that they are harmless occupants of every nook and cranny of every garden, house and home.

They encounter very little opposition to the initial attack, perhaps a few realise the danger and gather up the strays and dispose of them in a number of ways, gathering and bagging, gathering and burning or gathering storing in a box and adding chemicals to destroy the cell structure, creating a mulch (often regarded by the enemy as the ultimate sacrifice). 

After the initial assault most enemy commanders opt for the full blown (sorry about that one) assault preceded by raids, building in numbers and ferocity to the extent of covering whole areas of flower bed and borders. Again the garden people accept the increasing ferocity of attack – ‘it’s that time of year again’ -  and prepare to increase their defence against the advance guard.

Then around the 10th or 11th month the full-scale assault begins – the resulting mass invasion leaves (pun) the GB and HS at a loss – the enemy are everywhere, even managing to infiltrate the inside of the GB and HS domains -suicidal but brave enemy warriors will attempt this. The level of infiltration rapidly increases until the whole of the countries involved are systematically covered in white, yellow, orange, brown and red divisions of troops. The enemy take over the flower beds, foot paths and grassed areas leaving just a few battalions to attack the highways.  Their weaponry includes slip oil and ‘wet foot’ solution, which proves on the whole ineffective but in some cases where the concentration of the attacks is maximise serious injury has been known to be inflicted.

It is at this point the GBHS start to resist the attacks, but with limited results.  Their weaponry including now the heavy brigades, garden vacs, leaf blowers, road running enlargements to this equipment, results in capture of millions of the enemy who are traditionally ‘disposed of’ in the already mentioned manner, leading the final battles. But what about the remaining enemy? It is said that the billions of evaders ‘go to ground’ quite literally and dig their way under ground in frantic attempts of escape. It was noted by more than one GBHS that ‘ one day the place is covered next day they’ve all gone!’. 

These escapees go to ground and rebuild their numbers by consolidating the now smaller brigades and regiments.

In this safe environment the armies are rebuilt to the numbers required for the future attempts at world domination, and look and plan forward as an on-going continuous project, not a thing to be taken lightly with the defeatist attitude of prevarication -  the whole process of conquest MUST start today not ‘let’s start tomorrow’.